ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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