Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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