I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're a waste of cheezeits
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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