All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
