He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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