so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
