he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
