My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
