Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
