Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
