she sounds like chewbacca in bed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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