im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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