That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I cannot find my penis.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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