On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
