She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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