Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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