new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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