I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
