bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
