I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
