I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
