I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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