just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
