i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
