my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
