I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
