My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
