And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
