ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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