I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
did i walk over a car last night?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
