Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
