Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
