i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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