Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
