I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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