I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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