I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
