you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
