I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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