I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize