A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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