look no pants
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
