fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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