i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know her cup size but not her name....
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