Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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