omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize