i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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