You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
