this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
