I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
