I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
