My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize