I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
