My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
did i just pee glitter
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
