There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im six kinds of drunk right now
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
