I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Come see our sink grown plant.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
