Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
