there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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