The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
