My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
