I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
