Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
