I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
