I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
