I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
