he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize