I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
