yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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