i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
